Triplebee

Hi gang! I am slow on the postings this week because, well, I am moving slowly this week.  Miss Vicki and I, along with several of my regular readers, volunteer our time at the Muskegon Summer Celebration. We get up in the mornings, work our regular jobs, go straight to the festival, work until midnight, come home, and smear each other with Ben Gay.  Its funny how how smearing each other with cream and the sounds of moaning and groaning from the bedroom takes on a whole different meaning at this time of the year...

Mother nature pissed me off yesterday.  Although we had high winds, torrential rains and hail (all things that are not conducive to an outdoor festival), that is not what got me mad.  What got me going was the fact that it was July 2nd and I was being swarmed by both Junebugs and Mayflies.  Someone needs to get Mom a calendar.

The area Miss Vicki and I run has a small stage where regional bands perform every day.  There was a seven hour long battle of the bands the other day.  I read in the brochure that the genre was "Youth".  That surprised me.  I thought the genre was "Four Kids That Have Never Touched a Musical Instrument Before On Stage With The Volume Cranked As Loud As It Could Be And A Lead Singer With A Microphone Attached To His Hand And 120 Volt Live Wires Attached To His Testicles."

We have two members of our committee that we call our site staff.  They handle all the mechanical / electrical / "We're out of toilet paper" problems that we encounter.  To protect the innocent, I will call them Ray and Alf.  The other morning, our canopies were sagging from the water that had collected on them so they went over to push them up to drain the water.  At least that is what I was told when I asked why Alf was walking around half naked with his wet shirt laying out in the sun...

That's it for today.  Talk to you later!

Lines.  We all fall victim to them.  At the grocery store. At the bank.  At McDon'talds.  They are unavoidable. We all jockey for position when approaching them at the bank or the checkout. Our eyes are constantly scanning so our brain can compute which line will move the fastest.  I have a little tip for all of you that could help you choose the fastest line.

Don't get in line behind me.

While I consider myself a guy with above average intelligence and pride myself on my ability to think logically, I suck when it comes to choosing the right line.  Whatever part of the brain that controls line choosing functions or whichever gene it takes to instinctively guide us to the right space, I simply don't have.

At McDon'talds, Burger Kingsizemybutt, or Taco Hell, I will always be behind the one person in the civilized world that has never been there before and will need each and every item on the menu explained to them as they stare blankly at the glowing menu board.

I will always be behind the guy at the toll booth that somehow manages to throw his coins to the pavement, completely missing the Grand Canyon sized basket two inches from his hand.

The person in front of me at the ATM seems to always be one step down on the evolutionary ladder and will randomly punch buttons like a monkey in a lab trying to determine the right combination to dispense food.  And the monkey gets it's food quicker than my Neanderthal man gets his money.

Even if I find a lane at the grocery store that has no line, the scanner will not function correctly, the register will crash or the clerk will suddenly pass out from an acute case of scurvy.

I don't even want to tell you what happens when there is a line at a public rest room.

So, there you have it folks.  My little "tip of the day" to help make your life a little easier. 

Don't get behind Big Billy

(I just teed it up with that last line.  Start swinging)

I have decided to lose some weight but I need some motivational help. I am going to sponsor my own Thon.  You know what I mean.  Like a Walk - a Thon or Bowl -a Thon.  This will be a Pound- a Thon. There will be no money involved.  Here is how it will work.

I need you to pledge to send me naked pictures of yourself based on the amount of weight I lose (um, guys and Mom, I really don't need your help with this one)

It will go something like this:

"Billy, here is my pledge:

• 25 lbs - Picture of me in a nightie
• 50 lbs - Picture of me in a bikini
• 75 lbs - Picture of me topless

You get the idea, ladies.  The more you pledge, the more motivated I will be!

Don't let me down!

I am counting on your support!